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LaRPS : Legacies Role Play System » [IC] Character Chronicles

1. 

   Morsmordre Furman | November 19, 2011 - 08:08 AM

   Reputation:40

   I have been thinking on the past Mayors I knew. Most seem to have run for power, greed, the title. I think I went against my very nature with the election. I wanted to help people but being mayor doesn't lead to that path as directly as being a doctor. As of tonight, I am mayor. I will never run for election again. I will never hold a scalpel again. Time and time again when I do what my instincts or training tell me it is wrong. I will not renew my medical license when it comes due. Instead I shall let it lapse. I think I lied when in that letter I told Muircastle I would try nursing. I am not a fit physician. Not if Leigh, an untrained person can fix a disease that while I managed with one patient and chose observation with others, appears to know better than I.

   I play the scenario in my mind and I cannot find where I went wrong. While I will never trust Bunny again, that was not where I went wrong. Was it coming to the call for help? I want to be accessible to the people of this city even if people keep trying to kill me. That is where I went wrong. I should take the power fully, ignore all complaints and just do what I think is best. Dictate. Its not what I think is right but it works for other people. Will I? No.

   I am thinking of the end of my term with relish. Will I have enough capital to take a trip and leave London for a time? I haven't been to Paris in a long time. Why do I not feel freed by the loss of my career? It was not befitting for a woman to be a doctor. I just feel alone. That stems from far more than my career. The Puppy as I will call him for this book, he makes me want things I know are not for me. He deserves someone who is not broken. If any in this city is broken, it is I.

   How can a broken thing lead? I ask myself this often. I do not know. I seem to have found a way but, it empties me. I feel drained. Time and again I put my entire self into something and lose pieces. Often it feels literal. Why did I think I could treat a patient when I have broken bones and am so very tired all the time? Yet if I did not would he die? Surely if Bunny called for me there were no other doctors to call first. Now, I am not an option.

   I have no family. I do have friends but I must stay away from them lest they get injured. I have no reason to expect love. Even if Love came, could I let myself burden someone with something like myself? I felt so happy at first with the election. I thought I had finally made it. I was mistaken. The finish line is the end of term. By then will even Romelle survive unscathed? I do not know. I am preparing the Christmas gift, I will focus on my mayoral duties. I missed the hospital. It was something to look forward to.

   I shall stop looking forward. I already know I should not trust anyone. I still trust some but, its getting harder and harder. I suppose I want to be a housewife in a way, secure, cared for. I want that someone I know is there when I am tired and hurting. Instead I will tend my wounds myself. I never should have started going to medical professionals. I can do it myself. I deserve to be alone.

   Wyn left me, because I could not protect him. I should have done more, but I am not sure what. Then that man came and hurt me. I should have fought harder. Maybe if I had sharpened my claws to a finer point I would be alright but I should have screamed louder? Now I lost the hospital. Sebastion recanted at the end, but if he can change his mind so easily, then, the truth is I do not belong.

   I am endlessly reeling from what feels so right back to where I belong. When will I learn my place? After this term, I know I will not go to Paris. I will try to just fade away maybe. I might stay in my room for a week at the Inn. I will get to be alone at least. I am lost. I have no idea where to go next. If I do not try to look forward, will I fall into another pit? If I keep looking forward and end up missing the stones is that any better?

   I am bitter. I am hurting. I must never let anyone know. Happy Mayor. Good Mayor. Good for the city. Good doctor. (Ink drop) Right. If anything I am not a good doctor. I have identified myself by my profession for far too long. Its Sebastion's hospital, and he can deal with Bunny, Sid, and the others. I no longer have to. Its not illegal to treat your own wounds. I do most often anyway.

   I was wrong to stop hiding. Lyon's lesson on my worth was not incorrect. I failed to reassess properly. I am not even good enough for London's streets. No matter how much I hide that, everyone will know. It will show, just as it did for Vedis and Seid my roots. Where I belong, it shows. I belong in a cage, like I put Heather in. Oh yes its for her own good. Who am I to dictate what is best for everyone?

   I cannot save the world. I cannot save myself. I am just a bitter cat. I am not a real faery. They tell me I am, in the SIthen but I am not like the others. They exude light, which I can but I hide it. They are all beautiful, with their pale flesh, willowy forms. I am scarred and dark. Why did I ever think to try and help people? Why did I say yes when people asked me to run for Mayor? There is my error. If I had not run for mayor I would never have met Wyn, I would never have been hurt by the masked man. Raped. Defiled. I would just be a hospital worker. My head would be down.

   I know I do not write of being happy but that has never really been an achievement. I have felt joy but joy is fleeting and fragile. It is better to live in the grey space. Not angry. Not happy. Not sad. I just must be. I am under quarantine, self imposed. No further friendships, no further love. I am the contaminant.

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